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April 30th, 2008

In yet another desperate attempt to entertain myself, I recently clicked on some links at some writers' blog and looked at some websites promoting self-published authors. And now I'm coming to believe that, in order to be self-published, one must confirm that one meets certain standards for the cliche. The following must apply:

- Must have a free website

- Website must feature background art of a science fiction or dark fantasy theme (extra credit if the art renders the foreground font very difficult to read)

- Website must include goofy art interspersed with the text, preferably from either anime or a known fantasy artist.

- Author must blather on endlessly about him- or herself on the first page of the website, including many mundane details that are excruciatingly dull, despite pathetic attempts to make them sound somehow amusing.

- Author must specifically mention how their pet has influenced their writing. There's also at least an 80% chance that the author will also mention other (boring) hobbies that have impacted their work.

- Author must be seemingly unfamiliar with certain common punctuation marks, especially the comma.

- Author must go on at length about how long he or she has been writing, and yet curiously enough have nothing to show for those years except one or two self-published novels.

- Novel must center on either vampires/witches/werewolves involved in soft sadomasochistic practices, or innocent children caught up in some dark fantasy.

- Novel must feature cover art so eye-searingly awful that it leaves a viewer cursing Photoshop for the entire rest of the day.

- Novel's title must clearly indicate that it is part of a series, preferably by using a subtitle.


Why? Why are these self-published wonders all so staggeringly similar? Surely there must be one out there somewhere who doesn't care if we know about their quilting hobby, who doesn't like bad science fiction comics, and who has actually written a decent, well-punctuated book...right?

Halfway home...

Happy Beltane/Walpurgisnacht/May Day! I am figuratively dancing around a big phallic Maypole for two reasons: 1) We're now exactly six months from Halloween; and 2) May is the official date of release for this little darling:



We should have a signing upcoming at Dark Delicacies soon.