May 8th, 2006

How channel surfing crashed me up against the rocks

Last night I engaged in a rare bout of channel surfing (we're paying $70 a month for something like 400 channels, and all we ever watch is The Sopranos), and I ended up watching most of Oliver Stone's Alexander, which I'd never seen.

I don't usually comment on films here, but this one's just too easy a target. Okay, I knew it was bad, but I had no idea it was one of the world's biggest steaming piles of elephant crap. I have to say it was addictively bad; I couldn't stop watching it, as much as I wanted to. I've heard that a number of the Hong Kong directors (especially Johnnie To) are big fans, and I'm flabbergasted. It can only be due to the fact that possibly no other film in cinematic history has displayed such an unending stream of sheer manliness. I just love the idea that Alexander's not homosexual because he likes to have sex with other men - oh NO, that wouldn't be masculine, would it?! He's gay because women aren't manly enough for him! And sex is rape, and all women are slaves or princesses, and it's okay to be crazy as long as you're still (say it with me, all) manly. Meanwhile, Colin Farrell struts and pouts through this thing with the worst dye job I've ever seen, and only Angelina Jolie and Val Kilmer seemed to have realized this was a truly ridiculous project and engaged in the proper spirit of over-the-top so-bad-it's-good acting.

Oliver deserves a really long term in movie prison for that disaster. Good god.